There is plenty of information on the Internet about ayahuasca – its origin, its use, the mechanism and the chemistry involved etc. You can read many personal stories of people who have been through this experience and various opinions from both scientific and non-scientific sources about its effects. I do not claim in anyway to have in-depth knowledge to be able to discuss the subject at “expert” level. This post is just one more ayahuasca story of a person who went through such an experience.
Before the actual story, still for those who have no background knowledge, below is some general information. Ayahuasca is a shamanic potion that induces psychedelic experience. It is used as an approach to physical and mental healing, as well as a path to spiritual and self-knowledge. The active component of the ayahuasca brew is the DMT qualified as a psychedelic drug by mainstream science.
Why normally “drug” implies some form of “foreign” element to the human body, this is not the case with DMT. The body is familiar with the substance as it is produced by the pineal gland and seems to take active role into the process of dreaming and also in experiences perceived as paranormal or metaphysical such as near-death experiences, astral travel etc. Finally, there is much evidence that the pineal gland is what in some eastern spiritual traditions is referred to as “the third eye”.
Why for many decades mainstream science seemed to have no common ground with religion and spirituality, in more recent times it began to find evidence that seem to indicate that many religious or spiritual phenomena are real and not purely the product of myth and fantasy. As far as the DMT, there is a book called “DMT: The spirit molecule” by psychiatrist Dr Rick Strassman documenting his clinical research with DMT injected to sixty volunteers. There is also a documentary with the same name available for streaming on YouTube.
With above introduction and exactly as written down by the person after his experience, below is:
The actual story
“The reason why I decided to write down this particular personal experience with ayahuasca (I have tried it several times on different occasions and with different people) is two-fold.
First, the impulse that I should somehow share my experience came while I was still in that altered state of consciousness and it felt as something that could provide a useful reference point for others.
Secondly, this was the first time when some valuable insights and profound truths came to me as a living experience – truths that I have read about, ideas that I have pondered upon intellectually but hardly ever experienced in such a vivid and personal manner.
I shall skip the details of the location and overall environment in which the event took place. It is enough to say that it was organized in a safe place with the supervising participation of trusted friends having practical knowledge in that kind of things. On this particular occasion I was the only one to “get high” and they were the ones to provide the caring support which one often needs in those states.
The actual part started with me drinking the brew (the two components mixed together rather than separate). Then, with a blindfold on my face to isolate the distracting effect of my eye sensory input, the three of us went into silent meditation.
The moment of transition from “ordinary” to “altered” state of consciousness was, as it has been on previous experiences, not clearly distinguishable. When the impulse to cleanse myself through vomiting (so far I always go through this stage) came, I had removed the blindfold and was leaning over the bucket. Though it can hardly be called “a pleasant” experience, it feels as something “that is right” to happen.
Somehow you know that there is something inside you; something you cannot name and you are not even sure if there is “substance” to it. You do not label it as either good or bad. You just know that “something” does not belong there and the right way to dispose of it is through vomiting. Even though you know you need to throw it away there is some process of resistance taking place and this is what makes it physically exhausting (never felt painful but rather exhausting).
While I was ongoing through the cleansing I could hardly pay attention to anything else (just occasional pictures of the surroundings). Only when I was done with it and “unburdened” (this is how it felt) on all levels, I switched back to being aware of the input from my senses without “gaps”.
This was the stage that was very much “Alice in Wonderland”. Everything perceived (in particular the visual input) was so vivid and overwhelming that it seemed to leave no space for “thinking” about it or at least not in the ordinary sense. Without the intellect, the analysing part, you cannot even say if it is pleasant or unpleasant perception. It seems that the only thing there is or the dominant aspect is the act of perceiving itself. At the same time, this act of perceiving was very clear, vivid, sharp and kind of panoramic. Panoramic in the sense that even when I was looking in one particular direction it was as if I perceived the whole picture, not only the particular focal point of eyesight.
When the intensity of the perception subsided by a degree, the thought process was restarted (or maybe I just became more aware of it) but its coherence developed only gradually. Even though my mind felt very clear, I was having difficulty to “voice out” my thoughts. It was as if I was lacking the vocabulary or was slow in finding the appropriate words to convey a thought or idea, which was perfectly clear in my head.
With the effects subsiding further and me becoming more consistent in thought and speech, I felt light and relaxed. I was already active in talking to my friends but the talk was of different quality. Somehow the thoughts and ideas I was sharing were pouring out by themselves. The formulating of a thought did not seem to precede its expression even by the fraction of a second. It was as if the thought was voicing itself out in the very same moment it was being formulated. There seemed to be no intention involved.
In a similar manner, when listening to what my friends were saying, I did not need to maintain intentional focus on the speaking person. The hearing and the interpretation of the meaning seemed to happen naturally without effort or intention. Last but not least, I was speaking my thoughts in English (which is not my native language) without even going through “mental translation” (which is common in my “normal” state where I first “think” it in my native language and then translate it). This was funny and amazing realization.
The final but most valuable stage for me came when only the more subtle effect of the ayahuasca had remained. The overwhelming perceptions and sensations had disappeared but I was relaxed and with a clear mind and wanted to make use of it through meditation.
I was offered to smoke weed (which is known to invite deeper inner focusing). As I am a non-smoker even of cigarettes, I had a single puff only. Then I closed my eyes and tried to meditate in a “formal way” i.e. being cross-legged, spine straight etc. Tried it for some time but the pre-conceived “correct way” to meditate seemed to bear a hint of insistence about what, when and how should happen.
That insistence felt incoherent with my overall feeling of lightness and relaxation. I just laid on the sofa in a position that felt comfortable enough not to urge much movement of body. I closed my eyes and tried just to be aware, without any purpose whatsoever. It was then that the insights started pouring in. Well, not right away.
With the first “sinking” in the observation, a subtle feeling that “something”, a flow, a force, not sure what, was speeding up in preparation to take me somewhere. The feeling was similar to when one is on an airplane that is about to take off. The engines are on, their noise more and more intense even though the plane itself is still frozen on the spot.
In the same way in which the increasing intensity of the noise from the plane engines “tells you” that you are just about to rush, there was an intuitive hint in that state (no noise) that I was going to rush for somewhere as soon as enough momentum was gained. There was no notion or thought about anything actually dangerous. There was, however, some fear or better call it uneasy feeling about the idea of speeding up, speed that will take you away and which you cannot control. Along with it was the resistance to let go.
Being aware of the impulse to take off and the resistance to it at the same time, I mentally tried to “state out loud” my intention to let go, let go the control and go with the flow, knowing and trusting that wherever it would take me, it would be to my ultimate benefit. This “technique” I summoned out of my readings over the years and accounts from other people that have being through such experiences and spiritual teachers, who often affirm that the ultimate problem, the ultimate obstacle and the ultimate pain in those states is the resistance of the illusionary ego and its unwillingness to let go with the flow.
The more I was reaffirming my willingness to let go, the more the feeling of “speeding up” subsided and I did not actually rush for anywhere (or maybe I was taken to the destination in a flash). There I was, not in a particular place or location but in some kind of vibrational energetic state. Keeping still, eyes closed, I lost sense of my body. Not that I did not have control of my physical body (I opened my eyes and moved a hand just to check) but it was rather that I allowed myself to be to be still and not be distracted from the state.
At first, I seemed to go through some energetic cleansing and charge up. Having lost sensation of my physical body my perception of myself was as some form of energy confined in a “contour”. Even though I now call it energy, I did not perceive it in any particular terms, it was just “something” which existed and had a dynamic, moving, flow-like quality to it but within certain boundary.
Somehow “knowing” that it was “me” in some very essential form, I was inviting a recharge, I was inviting to be recharged energetically, be replenished in whatever way was appropriate and relevant in that particular moment of existence. The invitation seemed to be favoured. I felt inflow of energy in all my areas but most noticeably in my head and my abdomen area (not that I perceived any shape of head or abdomen, just “knew”). The energy that was replenishing me, I did not know its origin but just “made a decision”, that no matter where it came from, its effect on me would be beneficial, reviving, enriching.
Another aspect perceived (not sure about the sequence of events) was that even though the overall movement of energy was “healthy” and in the way “it is supposed to be”, there was some kind of energetic tension in the area perceived as the abdomen and the lower back. It felt as if there was overload of energy in those areas, which was trying to force open valves in the contour and free flow to the outside. Again, there was some aspect of me resisting.
Without any particular suggestion from another source, I felt that by opening the valves, I would release the tension of energy, I would actually feel better but still I was resisting. The previously used technique worked fine also this time – by repeatedly “stating out loud” my intention to open myself, it happened.
There was some playful attitude involved along with a hint of distrust. It was like “Okay, I know I need to open but this resistance…okay, let’s try it…I open the valves…just a bit…seems noting bad, the tension just relaxed a bit, so maybe if I let open more…” and so on. As this was going on, the idea of opening out “beyond” the contour, came the realization that “spreading your energy out” (which experientially felt like untying energy knots in my contour) automatically implied also “letting external energy flow in” my contour. The only way to release one’s energetic tension was through opening and letting external energies in. If you want to “stay away” from the external energy, you are bound to bear the burden of your own energetic tension.
In the next moment, this perspective of energy inflow and outflow emerged as an explanation of another metaphysical and spiritual truth that is often talked about. The truth that no real happiness, peace, harmony (whatever we may call it) is actually possible on individual level unless we direct that same intent for others. The act of intending the happiness (or lack of tension in others) seemed to be the act through which we open energetically and release our own tension.
Even though this realization seemed to be newly discovered, at the same time there was no feeling of surprise involved, it felt perfectly natural, perfectly logical. It did not feel like “remembering” and still there was a hint that somehow I always knew it.
At that stage, I guess I was already surrendered, allowing for “come what may” and trusting that whatever came would somehow bring benefit to me, leave a positive insight etc. It was a blissful state, however, not in euphoric terms. With no particular purpose or earthly concerns, there was some spontaneous joy and satisfaction in the mere awareness of existence.
In that awareness without particular invitation, series of realizations were coming and going. They came as a feeling of certain universal facts and having felt them, I was relating them to concepts and ideas I knew from my “ordinary” states.
For example, a thought appeared about a particular person in my life who had hurt me. Without any particular effort or intent, without analysing “the history” of my relationship with that person, without thinking about “the bad things” he had done to me – I just recognized my wish that this person be happy and harmonious. That wish was there without any particular reason, without any conscious decision on my side.
In a state where you are blissful in the mere awareness of existence, with no feeling whatsoever that you need or lack anything, it felt perfectly natural that you wish all the best to everybody you can think of as there is nothing you demand from others and thus no reason to be disappointed by them. I actually experimented by invoking different people from my life whom normally I associate with not so pleasant personal experiences and the automatic “wish him/her the best” was always there. The term “unconditional love” which is often used in spiritual context seemed to fit perfectly.
The messages continued to come and go and without particularly intending it, it was always like that – I first “felt” a truth, and on becoming aware of it, I recognized it and related it to a term or idea from my “theoretical background”.
Now that I come to think about it, it looks as if I was making a list of inventory, inviting the experience of certain universal truths to be able to relate them to the language of the intellect so that they could sink in and (I hoped) would invisibly affect my life experience and attitudes for the better.
I actually “stated out loud” many wishes, wishes that I would never forget those realizations and in the most appropriate way they would sink in my being and I would keep the energy of those truths in me and would act accordingly and try to emit that energy to others. I did all those wishes with intention and purpose (they say that in those vibrational states thoughts and intention have much more creative power)
Yet any wish I made was very different in a way. Even though sincere and conscious, each wish was made automatically without insistence. You make a wish and then let go, trusting that if and when necessary, the Universe will manifest what you wished for and if it does not, things will be fundamentally perfect anyway.
Among other truths felt, was exactly the same appreciation, love and joy for any “other” which I felt for “myself”. Neither “me” nor “them” seemed to be worse or better but equally worthy. The love and appreciation for “self” and “other” seemed to take place simultaneously without any contradiction.
There was also some kind of universal gratitude, a recognition and appreciation of the fact that everything and everybody that I experienced in my life, had somehow contributed to where I was at that moment. Even the pains caused seemed to be a catalyser, an incentive to evolve.
The truths recognized were fulfilling and soothing. In my ordinary state I would be “hungry” to get the best of it, to experience as much insights as possible. In that state, however, I was perfectly satisfied with what was coming to me effortlessly and with my recognition and appreciation of it.
Well, there was actually something I did wish. I do believe and I always imagined that in those states there would be “somebody” – a higher self, a spiritual guide, something or someone “external” that would teach me, guide me. I have this longing to “make contact”. So in that state I made that wish but with the light attitude and in a semi-joking manner: “Ok, now that I was shown so many truths and realizations which I shall try to properly digest, maybe it is about time that someone out there will show his presence in a more explicit manner.”
Again, though being an authentic wish of mine it was made with the attitude of no insistence. I wished to experience “somebody else” and yet I was not conditioned by that. Whether “he” would appear or not was perfectly ok. If there was indeed somebody beyond me, I knew that when the time was right, he would come. Even if there were nobody, it would still be ok.
I conclude with one last insight that came in the form of a question and an automatic intuitive answer. As I was relating my discoveries to familiar concepts of my intellect, a question came to my mind. Is it possible that because I read such and such books, listened to such and such spiritual teachings etc., because of this, I am conditioned by those pre-conceived ideas and my mind is “inventing” certain experiences, “truths” that seem to match those ideas?
The answer came immediately not as an outright affirmation or negation but rather as a suggestion with a nuance of mocking my doubt in a friendly manner. “Well, even if you are right and your mind is able to “invent” those truths, this is just to prove you that you can also use it to “invent” anything else that you want”.
Some final words:
I do invite anybody who will eventually read this personal account to regard it as what it actually is – a personal experience in a personal quest for knowledge and understanding.
In no way do I advise “for” or “against” the use of ayahuasca or any other similar paths to knowledge. The decision should always be personal. The phenomena experienced by me seemed relevant and appropriate for my particular “level” in that particular moment. The interpretation of their ultimate meaning is also subjective and I can only render it in terms of “the way it felt”.
In fact, I am sure that this was what the title says – a “glimpse” into more expanded picture of reality and I was just an inexperienced traveller and there is so much way to go before I could even allow to myself the idea of having a real knowledge of it.
May this personal story serve in any appropriate way all those who happen to read it in their personal quest towards ultimate happiness!
May the energy of my gratitude and appreciation be always there for my friends who supported me in this particular experience. May it be there for everybody who, one way or another served as a teacher in my life. May it be there for one person in particular, who years ago became (and still is) an inspiration and example for me to dare my first steps out of my comfort zone with the understanding that my life experience is not something that happens to me but rather manifests through me.”
